I have longed to be with you to offer support as you continue your journey into the heart of the divine.
The issues that sent me back to the hospital some three weeks ago turned out to be far more serious than anyone could have imagined. The swelling that I have been experiencing is and was due to a failed liver, which makes me retain fluids. The medical world at St. David’s Hospital performed every test that can be performed, but I am terminal.
There are no decisions to be made, and so I opted for Palliative care, which means they (the nursing home) will keep me comfortable as God prepares that dwelling place which will become mine. You cannot fully understand the depth of love that I see and long to be part of in reality.
The people that have been part of my life, mostly my adult life, have been my teachers, my preachers. And that is why it is important to hear from me, not just about me but also from me. As Mark Nepo says, “We want a love that expands; we want to love everybody. But we cannot do that, and so we love the one who is before us.” And in that love we are both transformers and transformed. We allow ourselves to be and to become.
There is a freedom in not having decisions to make. I keep hearing St. Paul, “Whether I live or die, it is in the Lord.” For the last couple of weeks, I keep hearing my name. I hear a soft feminine voice calling me Jean, and I know the direction but not the timing. And so I guess, ultimately, the last choice is not my choice. I am free. I don’t have to choose.
I have wondered why the story of the cross has been so important. As I have stretched left and right for all the IVs and tests, I see that is what Jesus did. He totally exposed His heart, and he stretched wide open. It is one of the most vulnerable stances. That vulnerability helped me see that I could not stand outside of humanity.
Love one another as I have loved you. My whole life has been dedicated to knowing love and longing to have others know love no matter what their darkness, what their gifts, their blessings. It is important to know how profoundly, how tenderly, how intimately each one of us is loved.
God loved the world so much that God gave God’s very Self to death to the world. And knowing that, at the core of each of our beings, brings us joy. I hear that refrain we use in the Catholic Church, “My soul shall be healed.” That is awesome.
I have longed to be with you, but this time has been a preparation to be with you in a different way. But distance makes the heart grow fonder. Forgive me for any hurts, any disappointments.
I send you love and will love you forever.